Friday, February 18, 2011

Change of Heart

I am currently writing this from my parent’s computer in Southern Illinois, far from my wonderful husband who is still at home in Virginia. Yesterday Matias and I flew from Virginia to Illinois to visit with family for a few days. The day before we left I was feeling guilty and sad because we were leaving Peter for 10 days! I know we are a military family; we are used to this kind of stuff, right? That's what I thought. However, we have been a very spoiled military family lately. Peter has not gone anywhere for an extended period of time since April 2010. We have not really been apart since then. It has been such a blessing! However, I fear that because of this I am becoming very attached, very reliant and very soft hearted.

I really don't know how to explain it. As a military wife you kind of prepare yourself when you know your husband is going to be gone for an extended period of time. It is almost like you distance yourself a little bit so that it doesn't hurt so bad when he actually leaves. And when you do that often, it becomes easier. In Okinawa, we were doing that often, so I just got used to it and it was easier every time he left.

When your husband is gone all of the time, you become very independent. Not because you want to, but because you have to. I have become so dependent on Peter coming home from work and helping with Matias. He is there to fix things around the house. He is there to fix the computer when I break it. (Which is quite often) He is there to kill bugs for me...oh wait, never mind, he makes me kill bugs myself, even when I beg him to kill them for me. He is just there when I need him! I can call him or text him almost any time of the day. I have become so used to this, it scares me to think that he could deploy this year.

Becoming soft hearted...I don't really know how to explain it. I guess when you are apart so much your heart kind of becomes a little tough. It can withstand trials, struggles and distance easier than others' hearts. My heart isn't hardened, just a little tougher because of all of the time I have spent away from my husband. But that toughness is wearing off! I haven't had to be tough or strong for a long time. Recently, I have had an amazing husband to lean on and be my strength whenever I needed him. So I guess I just fear that I am becoming a softie. I fear that my heart is too soft to handle a deployment.

Basically, this short little 10 day trip to Illinois has made me realize that I am not the "military wife" I used to be. I am missing my husband horribly and we are only going to be gone for 10 days! 10 DAYS! I used to make fun of people who complained about missing their husband for such a short period of time. I would tell them to, "suck it up, try being apart for 6 months or a year!" So I guess I just need to take my own advice. Just suck it up and realize that though I love my husband so much, that God is my strength and my everything. My husband will not always be there for me. (Even though he would like to be) I need to become attached to Him, dependant on Him and rely on Him for my strength.

P.S. I will not be posting a recipe this week. Sorry! This week was kind of crazy with all of the traveling. I will try to post something next week.


  1. Glad you guys made it safely! I totally agree though. John has been gone more than half of the time we've been in Okinawa and you would think I am used to it, but each time is more difficult. I totally agree how hard it is to be apart once you've been spoiled by being together for a long time!

  2. I know what you mean, I recently went home for a few months and left my husband at home. it seemed like an eternity! He hasn't been deployed for some time also and it was hard!